Hitting the bottom...

So last night was my worst so far.. I'd been pottering about all day going about my business, seeing my finished tattoo design and spending time with friends... It all seemed to be going fine until I got the call that evening that Brian's funeral arrangements are being made. At that point it all just seemed to hit me really hard. The realisation that he's gone and I won't be seeing him again. That I'd see his body before the service and realise that it's not HIM anymore, just a shell... I hate talking about "his body" or "the body" when I'm talking about Brian. He's not just a "body", he's my boyfriend.

These thoughts just continued swirling in my head for the next few hours. I sat watching films and drinking with friends but I couldn't enjoy it. I couldn't even look at the couple sat in the room with us, even though they're friends of mine and I'm happy for them. I just couldn't see 2 people being happy together when just 2 weeks ago I had exactly that. It drove me crazy.

I managed to hold it together until getting home last night when I completely lost it. I started drinking heavily, I took painkillers I didn't need and took a huge dose of DXM. For the first hour or two I cried hysterically, but didn't want to burden anyone even though they'd offered me their help, any time day or night. I just didn't want to put people through what I was going through. I've seen people in that state, and it's just as horrible to watch as it is to feel it. I never thought I would feel like that. But I honestly stopped caring whether I lived or died. I honestly thought I'd be handling it so well, but last night I found out just how low rock bottom really is, and it's not pretty. The thought that Brian might have been feeling the same despair and hopelessness and couldn't talk to anyone about it is just heartbreaking. He knew how much I cared about and loved him and would never have done anything to hurt him. Now he's caused me the ultimate hurt, even though it wasn't deliberate against me. How can I trust anyone else not to do the same? How can I trust myself not to?

I spent several hours tripping balls after that. I posted on a forum I'd not been on in ages, a real cry for help, and recieved tons of messages of support and condolence. Nice as it is, the same words being repeated over and over kind of lose meaning. Yes, everyone is so sorry for my loss. Yes, they can't possibly imagine what I'm going through. Yes, they're all there for me. But reading it time and time again, you just stop taking it in and even stop believing it, no matter how true it is... I even sent my ex an email, a person I'd not contacted in over a year. I'd wanted to tell him how happy I was and that everything was ok. I ended up having to tell him that I'm not ok. I don't even know why I emailed him really.. I'm certainly not interested in "that way" anymore, and how could I be when I'm still so desperately in love with Brian? To be honest, I can't ever picture myself being with any other man now.. They're not Brian.

After spending several hours alone, I was in the company of my housemates and a friend. Who all scolded me for resorting to drugs and drink and not reaching out to anyone in particular... I know it was stupid. But when you feel that low you don't think about anything. Honestly, it was like I was on autopilot and not controlling what I was doing.. It's scary that I got into that state. I didn't like being there, I don't like how I feel now. Yes, I escaped for a few hours, but it did me no good. I woke up at 7.30pm and now my body clock is fucked because of it... I'll probably be asleep again in a couple of hours anyway. Grief is exhausting..