Yes, that's right, I've gone all emo and spent the last few days listening to Killswitch Engage and oddly enough every single song of theirs seems to be relevant at the moment.. All about love and loss and misery and whatnot. It's nice to know I can actually listen to music again, although I still haven't attempted Apoptygma Berzerk. I think it'll take a while before I can manage that one.
So a short recap of the last few days is probably in order. I've yet again ridden a rollercoaster of emotions, and much as I usually love thrill rides I'm quite keen to get off this one and sit on one of those serene little paddle boats for a while.. Or something..
My current trend of feelings is numb. Completely and utterly numb. Also a distinct feeling of "what's the point?" when it comes to getting out of bed. It takes me long enough to get off to sleep, then it's disturbed and often dreamless, then I actually have to get up and DO stuff? But life potters on around me regardless, and despite my desire to spend the rest of my life in bed I have to carry on as much as possible.
So, onto this week. Monday was tattoo day. Not much to say about that other than seeing the design coming together is a very satisfying feeling. As much as it hurts (and it really does) I am halfway towards a memorial to Brian that will stay with me until I'm old and wrinkly and it looks fucking ridiculous. I'm having difficulty sitting and lying down or doing anything where my back has to touch anything, but it's worth it. It's cathartic in a way. I can't wait to have it finished.
Tuesday I went to see Nine Inch Nails. A gig that I'd been looking forward to for ages, then completely forgot about it when the shit rammed into the fan nearly 3 weeks ago. I didn't cope too well with that. I cried, I sang along, I clutched my jaw in agony (my wisdom tooth is coming through - yet more shit piled upon shit to deal with). And I felt anger. Real anger. More than once I thought "fuck you Brian". I really was angry during and after the gig. I should have enjoyed it more, I should have been texting him or calling him during the show and pissing him off, I should have been excited, but I wasn't. I wondered if it would be possible for me to ever really enjoy anything ever again. And I actually hated him for it for a while. Of course I don't really hate Brian, I love him more than anything. But I hate what this has done to me, and to everyone else. So yes, I stood crying during Hurt and cursing him for making me into "that girl" that cries at gigs and makes everyone feel uncomfortable..
Wednesday I didn't get up til nearly 3pm, mainly because my sleeping patterns are fucked beyond fucked but also because apparently codeine is not only a marvellous pain killer but a great sleeping aid. If you like your sleep disturbed and full of wierd trippy dreams. I dreamed about Brian for the first time. I don't remember what happened, but I know he was there. But I spent the day in a haze and was pretty calm and spaced for my doctor's appointment. Meaning that I appeared to be fine and have only been signed off for another week. God knows if I'll actually be ready to go back by then, but apparently a routine may help me, and she may have a point there. My current routine involves sitting watching Dave ad nauseum and refreshing several browser windows to the point of insanity.
So we come to today. Thursday. The day before the funeral. I'm going to Birmingham tonight to spend the next couple of nights with his family. Not only is Friday his funeral, Saturday is his step brother's wedding. Which is something we were really looking forward to going to, also because we had tickets to see KMFDM in London that night too. I was so excited about this weekend, now it all feels so surreal. I don't know if I'll make it to London, I don't know if those tickets were ever delivered. I know that this weekend will not be what I had planned though. At this point I'm still feeling quite numb, but I know that it will change once I see his body and have to say my last goodbye to him. I'm dreading what tomorrow will bring...
0 comments:
Post a Comment