Just one more time, for the sake of sanity....

So I concluded last night that my MP3 player does indeed hate me. Or has an uncanny ability to know what I'm feeling and what songs I really don't need to here. But we shouldn't anthropomorphise machines. They don't like it.

Anyway, last night was one of my darkest so far. I'd had a great night with my housemates eating pizza and watching Sweeney Todd. I tried my best to sing along, to get into the night, but my heart wasn't really into it for obvious reasons. Then I absent mindedly checked facebook, as I seem to be doing all the time now (oh hell, I was before too) and saw several status updates over Michael Jackson's funeral. Apart from the fact that I didn't even realise it was on yesterday, I instantly saw red over all these people mourning over some celebrity they didn't know. Sure, he's leaving a family behind and that's very sad, but these millions of people never KNEW Michael. They didn't plan on spending their lives with him. Well, maybe a small contingency of super crazy fans did, but the majority of them poured out a level of faux grief I haven't seen since Saint Diana died... One person even said it was the saddest thing ever and the most they'd cried in years. I envy them. SO fucking much right now. If a celebrity dying 5000 miles away is the most horrible thing they've experienced they are so lucky it's not even funny...

Anyway, after that my mood got worse, not only because of that but because I don't seem to be able to concentrate on anything longer than half an hour and my mind wanders... to him. By the time my housemates were off to bed I was in tears again and drinking heavily. Last night I honestly didn't care if I lived or died. I got steadily drunk, and found a baggie of some old rubbish disassociative drug we'd been given instead of MDMA once so in the heat of the moment took a fairly heavy dose. 1 hour later I was nicely disassociated from the world. Brian would kill me for talking about this so openly, but I don't hide things. Hiding things is what drives people to do what he did. Being open means people can get help, even if they don't particularly want it yet... At least people know what you're doing that way. And for last night it deadened the pain some more. Mixing with alcohol and codeine wasn't the smartest idea but I really didn't care. It wasn't an attempt on my life in any way, more an attempt to escape for a while. A spur of the moment thing.

After spending an hour watching mindless pop videos on late night music TV and debating with myself how nice it would be live such a shallow existence, free of any real meaning or emotion, I decided it was time for some form of sleep. So promptly took a sleeping tablet and curled up with my MP3 player for several hours. The problem with a lot of recreational drugs is that they often have a stimulant effect even if they are classed as disassociative. Add a sleeping tablet to that and you get... Nothing. Nada. Just dozing and occassionally being woken up by Machine Head blasting down your ears... But of course the first song to come on was the one in the title of today's blog. Disappoint by Assemblage 23. A song about a father's suicide. Of all the 987 tracks on my player, why THAT one? The theme didn't carry on thank god, but I couldn't help but have a wry little smile about how ironic it was...

Needless to say I've barely slept again. But I've had a phone call this morning. Brian's body is finally being released to his family, so funeral arrangements can begin. Another step towards some form of closure on the whole situation. I'm dreading it...

Just one more time
For the sake of sanity
Tell me why
Explain the gravity
That drove you to this
That brought you to this place
That pushed you down
Into the soil's embrace

Give me the chance
I was denied
To sit and talk with you
For one last time

CHORUS
Did I disappoint you?
Did I let you down?
Did I stand on the shore
And watch you as you drowned?
Can you forgive me?
I never knew
The pain you carried
Deep inside of you.

I can't forget
Having to see
The words that knocked the wind
Right out of me
It's not enough
I've come undone
Trying to find sense
Where there is none

Just give me peace
You owe me that
To help ward off the fears
I must combat

(CHORUS)

And so I ask
For one more chance
To understand
This senseless circumstance
Help me to see
This through your eyes
The reasons I've been trying
To surmise

Though you are gone
I am still your son
And while your pain is over
Mine has just begun