One Month

Tomorrow marks exactly a month since Brian's suicide and the end of the worst month of my life so far. I feel like I've run out of new things to say, constantly cycling through the same emotions and actions. Every time someone asks me how I feel all I can say is "up and down" because that's exactly true, although I wouldn't say I'm ever "up". I've had some good nights out and some good times, but not the happiness and elation I remember having with Brian. There have been times when the pain of missing him has been almost too much to bear. I know that I'm getting to a point where I really need help but I worry that a doctor won't really listen to me. I remember Brian telling me that at one point he had actually gone to see his GP for some kind of support for his drinking and he was shunned when he desperately needed help. I can't remember exactly why, but had they taken him seriously he might still have been here..

The last few days have been interesting to say the least. Well, they're interesting when I'm actually around people. When I'm alone I spend my time asleep or practically catatonic in front of the TV. I can't get up the enthusiasm to go to my work to sort out a return date, but wave the prospect of getting wrecked in front of my face and I can't get out fast enough. Twice in the space of 5 days I went out and didn't come home till late the next day. Normal for me, except I would have been coming home with Brian and chilling out properly. Now I feel as if I can't relax at all, not in the comfortable blissful way we did.

Wednesday night was my first time in the Nelson without Brian, which I expected to be hard since we'd spent so much time in there. It was even where we first met, albeit briefly. I managed, although had to break down later in the club toilets. It seems that I can't get through a night without having to run off for a cry at some point. It didn't help that I met with my first ignorant person that night, and am still bristling with anger over it nearly a week later. I'd noticed that one of Brian's friends was there and wanted to make sure that he knew what had happened, which he did, and then we continued talking about something else.There was a girl with him who asked me, with a straight face, "why are you laughing then?". Excuse me? Why am I laughing? Oh, I'm so terribly sorry, clearly I should be sitting in a corner crying for the rest of my life because that's exactly what Brian would have wanted. At the time I was too shocked to confront her, but since then I've dwelled on it and have realised that I'm probably very much at risk of losing my temper with the next cretin that opens their mouth without engaging their brain first. I hope I don't run into her again...

Thursday and Friday are a haze. I know that I didn't sleep on Wednesday night and crashed at someone's flat for an hour before going out to meet friends. I know that I had a good day and managed to sleep very early that night. But then I didn't wake up until 3pm on Friday, apart from one very strange incident during the morning which I don't know if I'm ready to share here yet. All I will say at the moment is that it did help me to feel calm for the next day or two. But my sleep pattern was back asswards for the next night too, so resolved to stay up from 3pm Saturday afternoon until late on Sunday night. Because that's the sensible thing to do of course.

Saturday night was, I have to admit, lots of fun. I saw lots of friends, danced and talked bollocks all night and it felt like a proper night out, like the kind I was used to having. I still missed him desperately and wanted to fire off text messages to him all night, as if he was just in another city. Despite that I really did enjoy myself until towards the end of the night when I noticed everyone pairing up. Couples. Everywhere. I couldn't stand it. I had to pretend I was ok when in reality it just killed me. I saw these people, paired up and happy and felt so jealous and sad and angry all at once. I HAD THAT. I had an amazing relationship which I was so sure was going to go on for years. What the hell happened??

But I put on a brave face and attempted to enjoy the rest of the night and Sunday, spent with friends crashed out. I did enjoy it but I had thoughts constantly gnawing at my mind, refusing to switch off. For some reason I played the moment I was told "Brian was killed this morning" over and over and over again in my head. I couldn't switch it off, couldn't bring my mind into focus on the films we were watching or the conversations. And being sat with couples made it worse. I couldn't look at them, couldn't bear to see them. I wanted to run out of the room. I missed him being there so much and I wanted him there with me so desperately it actually hurt. I was aching to be held by him, to lean against him, just... Anything. I'm amazed I held it together until I finally got home and cried. I even cried during the taxi journey because he should have been there with me. I feel like I'm drowning and I'm so scared that I'll never feel happy or normal again. This weekend we were supposed to be going to the Nozstock festival together. It would have been our first festival and I was so excited about it. Now I can't face the thought of going and I wonder what there is to look forward to now. All of my plans for the future involved him, now I feel like I don't have a future.

Tomorrow (if I can get out of bed in time) I've decided that I'm going to try to do SOMETHING. I'll try to go to work and talk to them, I'll try to contact Cruse about their counselling, I'll try to phone my GP and get some help because I know I need it. I'm lucky that I recognise the warning signs of what's happening to me. The reason I know isn't lucky, but at least I do know and I can do something about it. I know he wouldn't want me to end up the way he did, but at the moment it feels almost unavoidable..