So on Friday night I went for drinks with a good friend who managed to take my mind off things for a while. I still had to excuse myself to the toilet for short weeping sessions during the night, but I managed to put a brave face on as I have been doing for the past two weeks. I'm also becoming more and more aware of how emo this blog is beginning to sound, with the constant talk of crying and feeling shit. You'll be happy to know I haven't written any poems. Yet..
Last night was the Nottingham meet-up organised by the folks over at the Kerrang! forums. Brian was an admin there for a while a few years back and is credited with reviving the forums as well as being the life and soul of every meet up they had. I'd heard about the K! boarders from him and knew he'd been all over the place for crazy nights out, and was looking forward to meeting some of them eventually. This was not the way I wanted to be introduced to all these new people. As it turns out, he'd been doing a lot of gushing behind my back and they had been looking forward to meeting this woman who'd managed to calm him down a little! It was nice to hear how much he really thought of me, but in a way it doesn't really serve to comfort me. He's still gone.
I managed to deal with the Nottingham meet much better than the Birmingham one last week. I'd never been to Nottingham with Brian, so it wasn't full of memories. I did however see a guy in the street with exactly the same hair style as Brian, which freaked me out a little. No word of a lie. The EXACT same haircut and dye job (when he had red hair). I suppose I need to get used to "seeing" him all over the place. Like I said, even cans of Strongbow remind me of him. And Red Bull. Which was mixed last night into a surprisingly nice cocktail - Brian would have been proud. Or maybe slightly disgusted.
So the night consisted of meeting a load of people who's names I don't remember now in the Rescue Rooms, vandalising a couple of toilets in his memory, hearing loads of great stories from his old friends and then moving onto Rock City for much drunken fun. And I have to admit that I did have lots of fun. Despite the fact that Rock City is pretty rubbish, as far as music goes. It felt good to get drunk and dance like a maniac. Like no-one is watching, as he taught many of us. It was a good release, despite getting emotional in the taxi back to where we (me and my housemate Sal, who has been amazing through this whole ordeal) were staying. I had yet another night of hazy non-sleep and a nice relaxing day. Next week is going to be incredibly stressful, so I need as much relaxation as I can get! I probably won't know what to do with myself after the funeral is over...
I'm back home now and feeling, well, nothing again. It's all over the place, from one hour to the next my mood changes so drastically it actually scares me. I wish that it would stabilise and I could just feel normal again, just for a little while, but I know that's not going to happen for a really long time. I'm dreading the next week and finally saying goodbye officially. At times like this Brian would have been the person I'd turn to for comfort and support. Now I just feel really alone. I know I'm not, what with all the support from friends and family, but I can't help but feel really lonely. I miss that intimacy we had together. I just miss him so much it hurts constantly.
Many thanks to the people that made it to Nottingham last night, and also to Birmingham last week. Brian would have been really proud and happy to see so many people having fun in his memory.
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