Well, it's been nearly 5 weeks now and I've taken some of my first steps towards regaining some stability. Yesterday I went to see my doctor and was frankly honest and open with her about how I've gotten worse since the funeral and have now joined the Citalopram Club. It was going to be the Prozac Nation, but for some reason they've run out or can't get any. Bad news for current natives I guess.
I was already dreading this weekend because it would have been an anniversary for us of sorts. The actual proper anniversary would have been next weekend, so that looks set to be a barrel of laughs too. Now being on my new meds adds a kind of wierd, funny, ironic twist to the whole thing. You see, this weekend last year was the free party in Attercliffe, where I was introduced to MDMA for the first time. Fast forward to this year and I'm on my second day of SSRIs. Funny what a difference 365 days and a 6.5 metre drop can make..
I've obviously been thinking about that weekend a lot lately, because it was that night that I realised I really wanted something to happen between us. I remember that I'd gone out on a usual night out with friends, a typical Saturday night at Corporation, until Brian came bounding over to me and asked if I wanted to go to a party afterwards. I remember thinking how it was kind of strange that he'd just asked me then realised that this could be my chance! Maybe he's interested too! So with that in mind I said a great big "Hell yes!" and after Corp got in a taxi with him to Attercliffe and some random field next to the Don Valley stadium.
The next few hours were some of the most amazing of my life so far. And I just realised that I've written "so far" - maybe there is hope after all? We got to Don Valley and Brian pressed this little rolled up bit of paper into my hand and told me to "neck that, it'll just keep you more awake" which I did without thinking to ask what it was until after I'd swallowed it.
"Oh, it's just a bit of speed, just enough to keep you awake"
"Oh. Alright then!"
I'll admit that I didn't get much off the speed other than what he told me. I was awake and blabbering away at people I'd never met before, which was odd for me then but completely normal for me now. Brian's influence on me, a massive increase in confidence and a huge ego boost. We were sat by a camp fire chatting away when Brian pulled a baggie out of his shoe (yes, his shoe) with more bits of rolled up paper in it. I asked what it was and he told me it was MDMA. Seeing as how I'd always been interested in trying it, I knew exactly what he was talking about and asked if I could try some. As it turned out he'd brought some for that exact reason. He also said that he wouldn't leave me or wander off after I'd taken it since he wanted to look after me. Aww.
So I bombed these bits of paper not really knowing what to expect and carried on chattering away. About 45 minutes later I quite literally RUSHED up. I'm not here to advocate drugs, but I will say that it felt incredible. Colours were brighter, music was euphoric, my skin tingled and god damn my furry boot covers felt awesome! Then Brian said, with his usual cheeky smile that he could use a hug about now. So I happily obliged. And spent the next hour glued to him watching the sunrise blabbering on about how amazing everything was and hasn't this song been going on for 30 minutes now?? I finally understood what people were talking about when they describe their first experience as being magical. And it was all the better for having Brian with me.
Around 8am, when police and kids (WTF?) started showing up we decided it was time to leave and Brian offered me crash space at his since he knew we wouldn't be sleeping. I remember getting back to his flat in Shalesmoor and crashing out on his futon and at first he laid across me with his head on my lap. We'd barely known each other 5 minutes and this felt comfortable and normal. I remember telling him that my stomach felt wierd, like I had butterflies and he joked that it was "internal bleeding" for which he recieved a playful slap across the face. He loved to wind people up, which was great because I'm very much the same in my humour. I miss sharing that with him.
We spent the day laid out on his futon watching Robot Chicken, Brass Eye and Peep Show. I rememeber feeling so conflicted since I really really wanted something to happen, but was too afraid to make a move. I talked to him about that months later and he admitted that he felt the same but didn't want to take advantage of me! If only he'd know I would have happily let him take advantage..
That afternoon we went our seperate ways, me back to my house looking like I was doing the dreaded walk of shame, him off to the second day of the Music In The Sun festival. I still saw posters for that months later and always smiled at the memory of that night. In my comedown, sleep deprived daze I invited him to the pub quiz at my local thinking he probably wouldn't show up since it was the other side of town. Fast forward to 9pm and he's walking through the door of my local and I'm thinking how this has got to be too good to be true. But no, it was true, and as it turns out he was interested, even though nothing happened that weekend. No, it's next weekend that's going to be the really difficult one, the day we sort of kind of finally got together. I'll probably write about that too.. The next few weeks are going to be full of anniversaries and remembering how happy I was a year ago. I hope I can feel that happy again some day..
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