Two Months

So today marks exactly two months since Brian left us. It's been a while since I've updated this, but then I've been kept rather busy over the past three weeks! It's actually flown by and whilst I still have terrible dark days where I don't want to move from my bed, I can see a glimmer of hope at the end of the tunnel.

So, for an update on some of the things I've been up to recently..

On the anniversary day and the day after I basically didn't move from my bed. I spent two solid days either sleeping or crying and refusing to see or talk to anyone. I remember feeling worse than I'd felt since it happened and just hoping to go to sleep and never wake up again. At that point I would have been relieved. However, on the Wednesday morning I was woken up by my phone ringing and banging at the door. I'd been texting my mum the previous evening basically telling her that I wanted to be alone and not see or talk to anyone. So imagine my surprise when she turned up at my door, with food and money to get me through this latest bad patch.

To be honest, I was thankful that she'd turned up out of the blue and actually enjoyed being able to sit and talk with her for a few hours. She then dropped another surprise on me, after I'd been whining to her about how that weekend was supposed to be Bloodstock festival and how Brian and I were supposed to be going together and everything's just shit and my summer is ruined! Whether out of pure kindness or finding a way to shut my emo self up, she chucked her credit card in my direction and more or less ordered me to buy a ticket at the last minute. So I did. And spent the next few hours in a panic making arrangements to travel down there the next day. It was the busiest I'd been in ages and actually took my mind off everything that had happened. I've never been more grateful for a surprise drop in visit in my life!

So, despite lacking one very crucuial thing, I partied and had the time of my life at Bloodstock. Of course I had to keep disappearing off for a quiet weep in the tent or a portaloo - there's not much other choice for privacy at a festival! It turned out to be exactly what I needed to clear my head for a few days and get away from it all. For the first time in 7 weeks I actually managed to enjoy myself properly and even forget about everything at times. Reality came flooding back when I saw a band I knew he was looking forward to seeing, but I felt that I had to see them for him. Brian helped me to discover a lot of new music when we were together, and it seems that this has continued in death. I am eternally thankful to him, not just for that of course, but for the amazing times we did have together. It still breaks my heart that there won't be any more amazing times to share with him in the future.

After Bloodstock I came crashing back down to reality and spent another 3 days pretty much not leaving the house. I knew that reality would kick me in the head ever harder with my official return to work that weekend. And so I hid away, not wanting to face having to return to that building where my life officially collapsed into the ruins I'm scrambling around now. As it turns out my first shift back wasn't so bad. I thought I'd be able to cope just fine. Then on my second day I had a panic attack and had to leave early at which point their blinding true colours came shining through - Even though they "understand" what I'm going through (they don't) I have to see it from their point of view. That they are running a business and shifts need to be covered. Of course I am rational enough to understand that, but I still saw red later that night. So much empathy and caring from a... care home... Hmmm...

I have been back at work this week for a few shifts. Two of which I attended fine, two of which I managed to sleep in and turned up several hours late for. All of which have stressed me to fuck and exhausted me beyond belief. I'm currently taking one day at a time, trying my hardest to regain normality, but inside I'm seething at the way people are being. Yesterday I turned up late after sleeping in - by ACCIDENT I might hasten to add. I don't slip into these mini-comas on purpose, they just kind of happen when I'm that exhausted that my brain refuses to let me hear my alarm and get out of bed. But despite that, I started my shift with people barely speaking one word to me. I guess they were in a strop about having to do a bit of extra work because of my lateness. I suppose it's "not fair" on them. Those poor poor flowers. God forbid something really bad should ever happen. What happened to me is unfair, somebody showing up late is a minor inconvenience. I suppose all will be forgotten tomorrow when I go in a for a few hours. To them anyway. I won't forget it. I never forget.

But through all the bitterness and snide comments I've started to re-discover a life affirming side of me that hasn't poked her head out in a good couple of months. I've realised that with everything that's happened I basically I have no commitments - no mortgage, no car, a minimal loan, no relationship (not by choice of course). Some people might look on that as being a bit of a failure for a nearly 25 year old woman. I've begun to look at it as a possibly positive thing. And so I've started to look at the prospect of travelling - yes that old hippy, student gap year cliche. Just me, a backpack, a tent and a one way ticket to Europe. Brian always wanted to do it and never had the chance. I've always been kind of interested but never had the opportunity. Until now. Nothing is certain yet, and may well fall apart like most of my other fleeting good ideas, but what have I got to lose? At least the thought has given me something to cling to and occupy my mind. Maybe even something to look forward to, through all the bleakness..

And so we come to today, the two month mark. I've kept busy. I paid my rent that was overdue by two weeks. I rang my gym to arrange finally cancelling that huge waste of money membership. I talked to my bank about my problems. And I joined the library and got out three books on bereavement and death. Tonight I have been invited out for drinks with friends. Despite being unable to afford it, I must say I'm tempted to continue my trend of going out and getting completely smashed on those difficult days and significant dates. After all, who could blame me?