So it's now been just over 6 weeks, and I'm feeling less and less like I can cope with life. I've been back at work for two shifts which I barely managed to survive. I decided after two days of taking the anti-depressants that I didn't want them and stopped taking them, because they made me feel like a zombie. And I've been out and got absolutely wrecked. A LOT.
You see, yesterday should have been our anniversary. It should have been a really happy day, but instead I spent most of it in bed or sat crying and unable to do anything but remember that day in detail. I didn't want to talk to anyone or see anyone. I still don't want to. I can't handle being around people at all, especially not people who seem to be carrying on with life as normal. In a horrible way I feel like I hate them for not feeling as shit as I do. A large part of me feels like I want to go to sleep and never wake up. I keep telling myself that I'm stronger than this, that I can't do what he did, but I don't know how else to get away from this pain.
I keep remembering how happy I was that day just a year ago, and wondering how the hell things came to this. How did I not see the signs that in hindsight were right there in front of me?
A year ago I was back at my mum's place, still feeling really great about the previous week and still trying to figure out what it all meant. I eventually plucked up the courage to ask him if he wanted to come to the pub quiz again and was thrilled when he replied that he was up for it and we arranged to meet an hour before my mates were due to go. From that point I was a nervous wreck. What was I going to say? What was I going to wear? What if I was too nervous and went all shy?? The excitement I felt was through the roof!
So after a can of Stella to calm my nerves I set off to meet him. The hour we spent chatting and drinking wine just flew by. When my mates arrived they said that we were talking as if we'd known each other for years. And that's how it always felt with him, like an instant connection. I want to say it was like it was meant to be, but that's obviously not the case if things turned out this way. But we had a brilliant night that I wish we could have recreated yesterday. We probably would have done if he'd been here.
I remember around 11pm he was flip flopping on whether to go back to his place or crash at ours for the night. With the persuasion of my mates as well as myself he decided he was going to stay. You couldn't have blown the grin off my face with napalm. At that point I was getting very flirty and tipsy and since there was so little room at the table I "accidentally" had my leg pressed right up against his. The next thing I knew he had his hand resting on my knee! I hadn't actually thought that far ahead and had no idea what I was supposed to do. I can still look back on that and smile at how nervous I was, but he made me feel so comfortable. Not much later we walked back up to my house with my mates and he held my hand the whole way up.
When we got in we sat in the living room and ended up watching Brass Eye yet again, with me snuggled right up against him on the sofa. I remember he kept kissing me on the head but I was waiting till we had some more privacy until we actually kissed properly for the first time. I won't recount the rest of the night, but the next morning I felt incredible. I ran around gushing to everybody about how I'd spent the night with Brian and everybody was really pleased for me. I miss feeling that happy. I miss being able to kiss him. I miss holding his hand, as lame as that might sound. He had a real romantic and affectonate side to him that a lot of people probably never realised he had. A few months later he wanted to know what date it was that we first kissed, and ever since then the 10th of every month became a mini anniversary, usually him reminding me of the date. I have no doubt in my mind that yesterday would have been a wonderful day for us, instead I spent it crying in bed unable to do anything but miss him. I ventured out of the house once to buy food and practically burst into tears the minute I saw that pub. I can't walk past it without feeling terrible. God knows when I'll be able to go back in there.
Up until 6 weeks ago, I was convinced that Brian was "the one" for me. Especially since I was the only girl he ever said "I love you" to. I had so much hope for our future together. I never imagined things would end up like this.
A belated happy anniversary to you baby, wherever you are. I love you and miss you so much x x
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