Well another month has nearly gone by since my last post. I can hardly believe that in 6 days time it will mark 5 months since Brian left us. As before my life has been some kind of stagnant whirlwind, endlessly repeating the same bollocks over and over. Work, sleep, work, sleep, work, drink, sleep... I have to say it's gone fast, but I'm starting to sink a little more now that his birthday has passed and Christmas is well on it's not so merry way.
This morning I was in Birmingham helping his family to spread his ashes. Well I say help, I stood back and wept while his dad and brother did the hard work. I was given the option of helping to scatter them but as before with these kind of occasions I just kind of froze up again. It was surreal. Just 4 months ago I had seen Brian in his coffin, which was bad enough. Seeing him completely still and cold, like a waxwork, but still looking like himself. This morning I saw him again, now nothing but grey dust in what was essentially a glorified copper kettle. I know that sounds tactless but I think there's still an amount of anger simmering in the background. Anger at the situation, at him, at life. But now I can say that he's finally been laid to rest. I can't say that I gained any specific closure from it yet, but I know that his family were comforted somewhat by Brian being close to his mum again, since he was scattered in roughly the same area. And I suppose I'm comforted by it too, since I know that he was close to her and never recovered from losing her. It's where he went in his last hours, and now that's where he will stay.
Despite the circumstances, it was great to see Brian's family again. As always I'm eternally thankful for their amazing hospitality but my heart still breaks for them. He had (and still has) such a wonderful family, it just kills me that they're having to suffer through this pain. We celebrated his birthday last night with a meal at a local Indian restaurant, where much chilli and Strongbow was consumed and we started to reminisce. We didn't talk about him a huge amount, I suppose it's still a bit too painful to talk for long without choking up completely, but it's a start. Today we spent the morning at the crematorium then went onto his brother's girlfriend's new place for some of the most fantastic home cooked Indian food I've ever had and more talking. Lots of talking. I have to thank them from the bottom of my heart (even if that does sound corny) for everything they've done this weekend and in the past few months. Hopefully I will see them all again in the near future and they'll remain a part of my life for a very long time..
As for the other aspects of my life. Well, that disciplinary turned into a written warning. An entirely unjustified one I feel, one that I was going to fight but have basically just lost the will to do anything about. I was already traumatised by the experience, but as I said before it seems that they just want me to suffer more. Either that or they think I should be "over it" all by now and start pulling myself together. Whatever the reasons, I get the horrible sinking feeling that they are pressuring me to quit. And believe me I would LOVE to get out of that toxic environment, since I feel as if I'm being pushed towards a nervous breakdown. But it's not an option for me to just quit. Quitting means I have no income. No income means I have no home. I dread to think what that will mean. This weekend I didn't ask for the time off to go to Birmingham. I TOLD them I would not be in and exactly why. And my manager didn't sound happy with that at all, despite insisting that I shouldn't be at work if I'm not "mentally fit" to be there. Despite saying how "sorry" she is for what I've been through "but blah blah blah". If you're truly sorry, there are no "but"s. So what the fuck do they want? Now I'll have to deal with explaining myself, even though I already have, about this weekend. And also reminding them that I will not be working over Christmas despite being rota'd down to work over the period. Oh they're gonna LOOOOOOOVE me!
Other than that I do feel as though I'm doing sort of ok sometimes. I still cry for Brian most days. I have the occasional day where I don't cry at all. But I have been suffering flashbacks in recent weeks. I think that if it weren't for my employment situation I would have made more progress. I haven't continued with counselling, since I didn't really feel right being there and have actually figured out a lot of what they end up telling you for myself already. I know it wasn't my fault, I know I couldn't have stopped it, I know I will be loved and be happy again. I know about the "stages" of grief, even though it comes more in waves of confusion than easily distinguishable steps. And I know that I discovered a lot of this through spending time with my friends and being able to talk so openly about everything. They have been my grief counsellors in reality, even if they don't know it.
So now approaches the 5 month point in this, journey, whatever you want to call it. Christmas is on it's way, and I now feel that since I got through this last week, which I knew would be very hard, I will probably get through Christmas too with a little help from my friends (CHEESE!). Everything still feels weird, and there is a definite sense of "wrongness" about a lot of life at the moment, but I'm gradually learning to look after myself and not take any shit I don't deserve. And I think that's a positive step at last.
Still missing you desperately babe, and I hope your birthday was awesome wherever and however you may have celebrated it.. x x
0 comments:
Post a Comment